THE MODERN VAMPIRE’S GUIDE TO EATING WELL (or a guest blog from Matt R. Jones of The Hollywood Vampires fame)


Alrighty Loyals and True Believers, listen up!

Let me introduce you to one of my good friends Matt R. Jones. He writes the Hollywood Vampire series which is a fun-filled bunch of mayhem loaded with a wacky, dark humor. It’s vampire fun for the whole family kiddos! Seriously, you should zip over when this is done and read more of his stuff.

Here is his take on something a modern vamp can do to not only get by in the world, but actually come out ahead on the whole blood game. So take notes and check his WEBSITE for more!

So now Matt, Take it away!

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Sex Offender Registries – A Vampire’s Best Friend!

Before we start discussing the where’s and how’s of getting a near-limitless supply of blood, I want to immediately get rid of a notion the media and popular vampire fiction has likely placed in your head.  Namely the one about how hard it is for a vampire to feed well.  Hogwash.

Getting blood is EASY.

Seriously.  There’s no real trick to it whatsoever, even for fledgling vampires.  It was more complicated in centuries past – and some older vampires cling to the more traditional methods and mindsets – but you’re a 21st century vampire.  You’ve got it made!

Now, let’s talk turkey.  Or blood, rather.

Most vampires I know prefer to feed from the schmucks of society – rapists, domestic abusers, child molesters – because not only do these people deserve to be exploited, but if they go missing or turn up hurt, nobody cares.

Also…

While typical vampire fiction wants you to believe that feeding on “innocent” blood – usually virgins – is a better experience, it really isn’t.  It’s a psychological fetish perpetuated by screwballs who get off on exploiting young girls, and I’d advise you against it.  Down that path lies ruin, misery, and villagers with pitchforks.

Blood is blood, and flavor variations come from personal habits and internal chemistry, NOT temperament.  In fact, some vampires I’ve spoken with have tried virgin blood and found it severely lacking in character, likely because said virgins have yet to go out and do anything interesting that might affect their blood chemistry.

“Gimme a cougar with a pint of Guinness in her and some seriously bad habits over Sweet Sally Purebread any day,” says Hank from Indiana.

So if you’re worried that feeding off of undesirables means you’re doomed to the vampire equivalent of TV dinners, cast your fears aside.  Amongst modern vampires, the common sentiment…

Smart vampires feed off society’s scum and live long, happy lives knowing they’re making their community a better place – pervert vampires chase after underage girls, upset the townspeople, and get burned alive in their houses.  Don’t be a pervert vampire.

So, where do you find the scum of society?  Why, the internet of course!

Today, I want to specifically talk to you about Sex Offender Registries – I can’t say enough good things about them.  These things are a godsend to newly-coined vampires everywhere, and I know some vampires who dine exclusively from these, to the point they’re able to stock up on blood for months in advance.

No fooling.  Sex offender registries rule.

What are they?

Simply put, there are a lot of sickos out there who prey on kids and teenagers, and society has deemed that once these jerks have been convicted, they have to register their whereabouts with local law enforcement and firmly stay “on the grid.”  Society doesn’t want sex offenders running around unaccounted for, and rightfully so.

The beauty of this system is that the locations of these sex offenders are made public knowledge, so everybody will know if a creep moves into their neighborhood.  This means the names, locations, and even the crimes of these sex offenders are kept in easy-to-use online registries, which are usually found with a simple Google search.  Most of the registries have pictures to make things even easier for you!

All you need to do is enter in “______ sex offender registry” into Google or other search engine, replacing the blank with your town or general area.  Take your pick, and start browsing.  Most registries will even provide you with a MAP showing exactly where your local perverts hang their hats… this is the vampire equivalent of taking candy from a baby.  A comatose baby.

Simply select one of these fine schmucks, go to their house, and take a pint or two.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

Speaking of which, there’s an aesthetic note about this process you should be aware of.  Namely, most sex offenders are quite ugly, and many of them are unwashed.  For your first feeding – where you’ll be establishing a powerful psychological advantage over them and letting them know that without a doubt you ARE a vampire – you’re going to have to drink straight “from the tap.”

So bring a washcloth and some anti-microbial soap.

Afterwards, bring a mug with you and make them drain their wrist into it for you – another effective psychological technique.  Of course, once you’ve established a working arrangement with a sex-offender, you’ll be able to force a positive influence on their hygiene, but even then…

Do you REALLY want to have regular intimate contact with some creep who diddles kids?

No sir.  Bring your mug.

Now, the thing with feeding from sex offenders is that – as a vampire – you hold a considerable amount of power over these jerks.  Sex offenders are the lowest rung on society’s ladder – they occupy a lower standing than even Nazis.  You don’t have to be very discreet with them… at all.

After all, if a guy convicted of diddling his eight-year-old cousin goes to the police and says he’s being menaced by a local vampire, what do you think is going to happen?  At best, he’ll get laughed at and sent on his way, at worst, Officer Friendly will take him out behind the dumpster and have an animated “discussion” with him.

This is why sex offender registries are such a boon to modern vampires!  Not only are you provided with a rich menu AND a map leading you straight to it, but you’ve got instant access to the most hated niche of society, who nobody’s going to bother defending.

There was one case in Pasadena, California where a vampire I’m friends with – Shelley, we’ll call her – had been feeding upon a former child-pornographer named Dale.  Dale got tired of Shelley coming by his house a couple of times a week, taking a pint, and making him pay a regular “convenience” fee of a hundred bucks.

So Dale went on the internet and found himself a vampire hunter.  When Shelley showed up the following Tuesday, the vampire hunter was there waiting for her.  Quick-thinking Shelley convinced the hunter to give her five minutes, and she proceeded to pull up Dale’s information on her cell phone.

After reading this, the vampire hunter beat the hell out of Dale, and told Shelley she got a free pass on this one.  Shelley fed heavily from Dale and took his TV as a “fine” for being an asshole.  The next time she showed up, she’d found Dale hung himself in the basement.  No great loss.

Long story short, even vampire hunters hate sex offenders more than they do vampires!  So on the chance one of your sex offenders finds somebody who DOES believe in vampires, you’re going to be viewed as the lesser of two evils.

It’s easy to establish a regular stable of sex offenders you can feed from a few times every week, and as previously mentioned, you don’t even have to be sneaky about it.

Most of the time, they’ll be so scared of you, they’ll fall into line.  Sex offenders are inherently weak, preying on those even weaker than themselves – as a vampire, you’re top of the food chain.  Present yourself as a strong, confident individual and you’ll be able to push around every sex offender you encounter.

This is excellent – fear of your wrath will ensure these creeps don’t step out of line and bother other kids.  Tell them you’re watching them at all times, and if they screw around, they’re dead meat.  If you’ve made friends with some local goths, have them swing by the creep’s house on random occasions, saying they’re there to “make sure he’s staying on the straight and narrow.”  Goths usually love scaring scumbags!

And if your sex offender DOES get out line or attempts to pull a fast one on you, you’re free to either report them to the police or kill them.  Trust me, when a child-molester turns up dead, nobody looks very deeply into it.

This is an ideal situation for new vampires still coming to terms with the morality of feeding on the blood of the living.  While you may understandably feel uncomfortable feeding on a librarian, cop, teacher, or somebody else who makes a positive contribution to your community – or just some regular schlub trying to make an honest living – you won’t feel such qualms about exploiting a diddler.

You’re terrorizing these cretins in a way the cops aren’t allowed to, you’re keeping them in line, you’re keeping kids safe, AND you’re getting a steady supply of blood.  Many vampires also extort money from sex offenders, and a vampire with a nice stable of sex offenders could be looking at an easy $1000 a week.

One word of advice, however.

If at all possible, spread out your sex offender stable in your local area.  Work on three or so in your hometown, grab another few in the next town over, and then some more in the town down the road. Plus, don’t let them know you’re preying on other sex offenders… ensure they feel isolated and vulnerable, as though you’re an instrument of retribution sent specifically to screw with THEM.

In fact, you may consider simply telling them you’re there to punish them for their deeds.  If they’re at all religious, grab a Bible and quote some appropriate verses to them… there’s plenty of stuff in the Bible about wrath, retribution, and getting your ass kicked by divine means.  A vampire quoting Bible verses at someone while throwing them around their living room scares the shit out of most people.

The idea behind spreading out your stable and nurturing feelings of isolation is simple.

If you’ve got a dozen or more sex offenders in your hometown, it may be VERY tempting to stay local and get all your blood in one place.  But since sex offenders can’t go to the cops, they MAY try to work together with other sex offenders in the same situation… work together towards taking you out.

It’s happened before when young vampires got cocky.  Sex offenders are weak, pathetic people, but if pushed hard enough, they also get desperate… and if they think there are others they can reach out to for help, they will.  While most of these uprisings are clumsy and taken care of without too much trouble, more than a few careless vampires have met their ends at the hands of vengeful diddlers.

At the very least, it sucks to be heading out for a quick pint or two, showing up at a diddler’s house, and having several wild-eyed sex offenders coming at you with crosses, wooden stakes, and anything stabby they can lay their hands on.  So be firm with these creeps AND pragmatic.

This also means you NEVER let them know where you live.  If they ask, don’t even answer – just slug them.  You’re the vampire, you’re in charge, and you don’t take guff off of anybody.  The same goes for your name – tell them to call you “master” or “mistress,” which will immediately establish a psychological advantage over them.  If somebody’s molested a kid, they don’t deserve decency from you.

Eventually we’ll discuss techniques where you lure troublemakers to your house, but save those for when you’re a little more advanced and assured in your skills.  All in due time!

If your stomach’s gurgling for blood right now, hop on to Google, start searching, and head out tonight in search of fresh, tasty, sex-offender blood.  Remember to take your washcloth and soap, your most firm and confident attitude, and possibly a few Bible verses.

Once you’ve got several diddlers in line, you’ll never go hungry again… and quite possibly may have all your financial concerns taken care of, as well.  Plus, you’ll be helping your community!

Being a 21st century vampire is simply fantastic, and I look forward to helping you find your footing in future installments!

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