Alright Loyals and True Believers one of the new things I am doing around here is to invite some of my writerly friends over to guest. You get a bit of fresh meat for the marketplace and a possibility to find a new writer you like.
This time around is Anthony Elmore, author of FARTING IN CHURCH. A collection of humorous anecdotes. (There is a buy link below) Anthony is a member of my writing group. Enjoy his visit.
Many thanks to James Tuck for letting me borrow his stage for a sec. As a former Hollywood screenwriter living in Roswell, I have created over 108 screenplays, 13 teleplays and a five-part miniseries based on the life of Zachary Taylor called Curdled Destiny. Below is a treatment I wrote a year before a We Bought a Zoo debuted, starring Matt Damon, basking in his kids n’ critters chapter of his career, to be followed by cameos on WB sitcoms.
“We Bought a House of Ill Repute”
An Original Screenplay Concept by Anthony Ray Elmore
Logline: When life hands you lemons, open a lemonade stand. When life hands you 10 grizzled, middle aged “professional women”, open your heart.
Recently divorced, remarried, and subsequently widowed father, NORMAN SMITH is mourning the loss of his estranged wife who died during a colonic mishap. He has indulged his three children, 16 year old rebellious teenager LEAH, his 10 year old science geek STEVE and three year old in a 20 year old body NICK. Steve gets in trouble with Homeland Security when he hacks into top-secret military drones and makes them buzz the White House.
After being released from Guantanamo, Norman is at the end of his rope with his children’s behavior. On his way to his architecture firm, Norman spots a rundown Victorian home with a “For Sale” sign in the yard. He enters the home and finds a mysterious Norman Friedman like Real Estate agent who says the home is for sale at a bargain price, but it is “as is.” The home has red velvet walls and antique furniture, and a lingering scent of L’Air du Temps and petroleum jelly. Norman signs the papers but before the ink is dry, the Real Estate Agent has disappeared. Norman hears a ghostly voice saying, “As Is.”
Norman believes having his kids work on the fixer upper will build character and help the family heal. He packs his reluctant children into his perfectly restored 1987 Ford Taurus and drives them to their new home. He is surprised to see ten scantily clad women, smoking, retching and lounging around the parlor. “We have a customer,” MAXINE, the madam, says. I dawns on Norman that he has bought a brothel.
Norman quits his job and has to make a living, so he runs the brothel while trying to hide the fact that his children are living amongst fallen women. He makes Maxine and the nine other girls to agree to keep the business, noise and body fluids on the down low. His cover story to his children is that women run a chiropractor clinic and the shouts of ecstasy are men having their adjustments. Nick observes that the men look very relaxed and wants a treatment himself. Norman sends him to bet at 5pm and we don’t see him till the finale.
Nosey DETECTIVE RIVERS comes knocking and suspects that a brothel exists on the property. Norman explains that this was a chiropractor clinic and Rivers asks for a neck adjustment. Norman asks MARY, whose specialty is ‘discipline,’ to work him over. Later, Norman says he feels much better and has worked through some of his aggression issues and his estrangement from his father.
Leah comes home late, even by brothel standards, and NORMAN confronts her. He has Maxine have a girl-to-girl talk with Leah about the dangers of boys and premarital sex, which is like having Ted Nugent speak at a Quaker Pacifist rally. Leah apologizes for her behavior and Norman asks Maxine what she said to her. Maxine told her she was a dirty skank and girls who put out before 18 end up prostitutes.
Steve is having trouble with jocks at school and confides in WILMA, the tough as a denim prophylactic African American prostitute. Steve teaches him how to make a shiv out of the pointy end of the protractor. Instead, Steve, who has figured out he’s living in a brothel, make a hepatitis culture out of disused condom and spikes the football team’s water cooler. In a hilarious scene, the entire defensive line’s skin turns yellow and suffers renal failure. Bully problem solved.
A tax collector comes knocking at the brothel and says Norman owes $56,949.35 in back taxes. If he doesn’t pay, the house will be auctioned and the girls would be forced onto the streets to service truckers and church decons. To save the house, he assembles the family and the eight remaining girls (NICOLE tragically dies while performing the dangerous Fresno Ferris Wheel with a client) to have the biggest “Whore-down” ever.
In a montage scene, set to the music of eclectic Christian Techno Power Pop band Machines of Loving Praise, the family cleans the house while the children hand out flyers to all homely, morbidly obese men in town. That evening, men pour in and the girls are working hard, turning tricks like Chris Angel during a mascara drought. Suddenly, Detective Rivers shows up, so Norman warns the girls and they pretend they’re doing physical therapy. Rivers walks in on DANNI with a client. Norman makes up story that the client was bit by a wolf spider in the groin area and Danni was trying to extract the poison. Rivers believes them, and drinks.
Norman travels with the girls to the tax office, but the taxman says he owes extra late charges. Norman is $350 short. Norman offers one of the girl’s services, but the taxman asks for one of the most dangerous acts of all – The Belgian Bismarck. The only woman limber and experienced enough to do it is Maxine. Maxine has lost faith in herself, so Norman gives an inspiration speech, citing material from Teddy Roosevelt, Gandhi and a couple of Amy Grant songs. Everybody slow claps as Maxine goes into the taxman’s office. Moments later, the taxman’s cries of ecstasy shatters his office window. Maxine exits the office, snaps her dislocated femur into place followed by the exultant taxman. The taxman ‘looses’ the tax bill and Norman and the girls can keep the money.
Norman and his family learn the value of believing in themselves and that love is important and some other fluffy shit families love.
And there you have it! Thanks for swinging by Anthony. See you next meeting.
To pick up FARTING IN CHURCH go here: GO HERE TO BUY!
Anthony Elmore
The book.
And check out Anthony’s blog if you like what he had to say!
NOIR MUSINGS 